There is boy-butt in my bed

And all is well with the cosmos…

Desk, mid-weekend

Is this the desk of a healthy man? The only thing missing is a dildo.

It’s one of those nights when you watch a French boy fuck himself with a banana on cam

It’s one of those nights when you watch a French boy fuck himself with a banana on cam. Oh c’mon, you know the nights I’m talking about!

Well, I haven’t been with a guy in about a month, since I wrote that last entry about the great time bottoming. Whether or not I’m getting laid regularly, I of course masturbate regularly, and 99% of the time it’s in front of the computer. Through most of my adult life I’ve jerked off to traditional porn (videos or pics), but now I almost always go into the world of cams. I think we all have the voyeuristic urge to some degree, and with the ease and speed of technology available now, it’s hard to pull myself away from the “realness” of a guy who is performing live and responds to your chat, and tips (yes, I’ve spent a bit of money on this hobby).

You meet some strange and interesting people, both on cam and in the chat rooms. One such person is ostensibly an 18yo girl somewhere in Europe, who mods a lot of the rooms. She is strangely obsessed with the male body, down to details like hair distribution and penis shape, and builds relationships with young guys. Her range of attraction is almost coterminous with mine. Lately she’s been playing pimp in hooking me up with young guys around the globe who are into putting on shows, both on the public cam sites as well as privately on Skype. I really didn’t ask for this, she did it on her own volition, and she has quite a harem to offer me.

I’ve chatted with about 10 of them but for various reasons (time difference, mood, too expensive, etc) nothing came through. Then last night she gave me a cammer’s skype and I started chatting with him, eventually realizing that he was on one of the cam sites right then. He said he was close to cumming, and sure enough he did. I caught the last minute of his show. He looked great, so we set up an appointment for tonight. As I believe I’ve mentioned before, I’m generally a bottom. However, when it comes to porn, and cams, for some reason I’m very much into a guy’s ass and seeing it pounded and/or penetrated by a toy. I asked this guy if he was into butt play and if he had any toys. He told me he can do it with a banana; sounds great! He’s a 19yo in France. He probably lives at home and buying/storing toys or having them delivered is not practical.

He seemed like a nice guy. We had some preliminary chat about what would go on, and how the payment would happen. I was almost late! I rushed home from the gym, got dinner to go and got to my computer just at our appointed time. I asked him to start fully clothed. I like “stripping them down.” For some reason it turns me on more. Same with porn: I don’t like an immediate launch into fucking, I like them to build some rapport beforehand. Did I just say that? Yes I did.

I had him take off his shirt to reveal his incredibly slender and smooth upper body. Absolute twinky perfection. I had him pull down his pants to reveal an already hard cock. It’s interesting that even though I’m paying, the experience gets him off to some extent. He had a nice bush of pubes, maybe minimally trimmed. I absolutely hate the trend of shaving the pubes completely. It looks unnatural and prepubescent. I don’t like super-hairy, but I prefer super-hairy to unnaturally shaved. This boy was almost the perfect medium. The chest was smooth with a happy trail, the bush was there, the legs were nice and long and hairy, and the ass crack (and some area around it) had a nice spread of hair as well. Best of all, none of this seemed manscaped except for the pubes perhaps a bit.

After a nice tour of his body I had him show me the banana, and get the cam in a nice position for him to put his legs up and give me a nice view of his ass for the main event. The hole looked ever so tight, but he knew enough to get a fairly large and curved banana in there competently. He gave a nice show of it. Different views, in and out. I asked him for a favorite move of mine, which is all the way in then all the way out. This creates the “wink” so to speak. We went for about 10 minutes and I got too excited and came a bit before I wanted to. I told him so. At this point he was rock hard, but hadn’t really touched his penis at all cause I was guiding him through the anal show. He offered to cum for more money, but since I had already come and did not want to spend much more, I declined.

I’ve had better cam experiences, but this one was pretty damn good. Nice guy, wonderful body, did exactly what he said he would do. Of course post-orgasm I go right back to my frustrations about my “IRL” sexual life, but it’s always an interesting diversion. I’m quite overworked and stressed right now, so it’s hard to concentrate even on the maintenance needed to make something happen on Grindr. This is my sex life for now.

After we were all done he popped up on Skype again and thanked me. Very polite.

I just did an immaculate job of manscaping

I just had to share that with someone. My chest and pubes and ass are just exactly the level I want them, and yet look completely natural! Sorry this is my first post in forever and it’s so short. I’m so tired, and I’ve been having these dizzy spells lately. It’s probably due to massive amounts of stress at work that may or may not result in a major position change and salary raise. Perhaps more on that later. Now, back to the mirror to admire my job.

I just got fucked for the first time in 10 months

I am a bottom. There, I said it.  Here’s the problem: I’m masculine, hairy, and I like younger guys. Therefore, lots of young twinks get signals from me and want me to fuck them.  It is rare (though getting slightly more frequent) that I find a young top who’s into older otter-ish bottoms.  In addition, I’m very picky.  Somewhat on a moral/emotional plane.  I do like to have a good conversation, I can’t do a fuck and run, I need to have at least some sort of substantial connection or positive feelings towards someone to have sex with them.  But let’s be real, hot is hot.  So I think most of my pickiness comes down to finding my ideal look.

So here are my ridiculous picky ideals, in very general terms:

• Young
• Hot
• Top
• Nice
• Intelligent
• Interesting

I also do fantasize about fucking and rimming younger guys butts, but somehow in the moment it doesn’t turn me on enough to top them in a consistent manner.  I also have an erection problem that has come and gone throughout my life, probably related to meds but also my long-term psychology and phases I go through. That uncertainty combined with my having what I call a “big floppy donkey-dick” doesn’t lend itself well to sustained rock-hard topping.

Anyway, I finally had a stars-align moment tonight.  As per usual I hit on guys on various apps. There was a 20yo who looked cute, with glasses, and an artistic feel and backing to his pics.  I chatted him up yesterday and he was nice.  Then right after work today:

Him: Hey

Me: What’s up?

Him: Just super hornyyy haha

Me: Ooh I see 🙂  I wonder how you can fix that.

Him: Are u a top or bottom?

Me: I’m more bottom tho I enjoy both. You?

Him: Perfect.  I love to top.  Would you want company?

And on from there.  I made sure he was into kissing/foreplay for the aforementioned reasons, and he was, and he specifically said he loves to rim. DING! I had never been rimmed or fucked since last June, ironically by a boy from the same school (an elite Jesuit institution) and also of Latin heritage.  This boy was half-Mexican.

He was very intelligent and into international relations which is my field.  He was into more poppy music than I am, but he said he went to 72 shows (yes he keeps careful track) which made for interesting conversation.  He had just seen Miley Cyrus last night.

He was 5’8 145, shorter than me, with a nice tight body, (relatively) skinny jeans, and what appeared to be strong-Rx glasses.  We were close and touching while he showed me his Miley pictures, but when it came time to get down to business he just said “do you want to move to your bed?”  OK!

My erection issues.  I do get Viagra prescribed to me by my shrink, though I use them sparingly because 1) they’re obviously off-insurance and expensive and 2) I’m a perfectly healthy young man and I don’t WANT to need them.  But, on an occasion such as this, I want an extra layer of security.

We were making out and I was getting some pangs down there, but nothing too much, but right off the bat he started taking control, working on my ears with his mouth and moving my body around. This was what I was missing for such a long time.  I really do need a guy to be a top.  Then I was on top of him, his pants came down first and I sucked him for a little bit.  Then I flopped down next to him and we both took our pants off.  I was chubby but not hard.  I guided his hand over to my dick and again, wasn’t getting super hard.  But then, true to his promise, he started going down, and lifting my legs up… and… good lord.  The rimming began.  And my erection got strong.  He had said, and I’m looking back at the app, “Just be ready to be like super-rimmed,” and yes, it went on for a while.  Different positions, different speeds.  I loved opening myself up to him.  Can I only get fully aroused when being treated like a bottom?  My trigger should be a little easier to hit than that, but I digress.

I was so very eager and happy to offer myself to him, I said whenever he wanted to start fucking we could.  He entered while on top of me, and started out slow, increasing speed slowly.  He was WAY into it.  Like moaning, eyes going back… same for me of course.  It was very animalistic, like I guess all sex is, but I hadn’t been fucked in so long.  He asked if we could do doggy. YUP!  I turned over and invited him in.  This is when it got pretty rough, but only for a slight bit did I feel pain.  At this point my dick was barely hard, but with the intensity he was hitting my prostate I almost thought I came at one point, but thankfully hadn’t.  After a while he said, “I can cum whenever you want” (oh really?  oh to be young again).  I let it go on a little longer, then I turned over onto my back so I could jerk.  It felt amazing, but towards cumming I did another thing that’s disappointing to me.  Before I got 100% hard, I was stimulated to the point where I came.  I wish I could stay at that hard full-mast position and feel that pleasure for an extended period, and then cum.  I remember a time when I did.  Anyway, he took just a bit longer to cum and shot a nice, thick intense load.  SIGH.

We had a pleasant recovery period.  Chatted about tops and bottoms and random other stuff. He spent a LOT of time looking at himself in my full-length mirror.  Apparently he doesn’t have one. His body was amazing, nice and tight, but like many gays (myself included) he was uber-critical of every supposed flaw.  Supposedly there was flab around his waist, I could barely see it.  Then he dressed very slowly, piece by piece.  When he put his shirt on he was particularly dissatisfied with it, because of how it laid and the “flab” showed through. Eventually he was satisfied and went to a club here that is under-21 on Fridays.  I was supposed to go out to another place and meet some friends, but it was 11pm, a Friday after a long week, and my ass (literal and figurative) was too tired.  I’m old.  So here I sit, typing this up.  I feel like I’m missing 95% of it and I could go off on 1000 other tangents, but I guess that’s how writing feels.

I guess I’ll get back to my sexual history another time!  Hopefully my sexual present continues to be exciting.

 

History for context

My parents were big city people but I grew up mainly in a small town in a mountainous part of the Rust Belt, and that’s where I came of age.  These were the times of AOL that tried men’s souls. We got high-speed (for the time) internet when I was 15yo.  You were able to download pictures (including porn) individually and it took a while to get each one.  There were chat rooms on AOL with gay categories, but you could also make your own room.  Someone made a room called Puberty Blues.  It was in that room that I made the progression from straight, to confused, to bi, to gay.  There was weird pervy shit going on the whole time of course, but I came out of it with two semi-close relationships that were important on the path to coming out.  The deeper relationship was with M., 16yo from Massachusetts.

I’ve met M. in person several times, the first time at 17yo when my parents drove me around to see colleges, and most recently last year.  No sex; we generally get meals and bullshit about the past.  He’s had a boyfriend for many years now, though obviously there is still sexual tension between us.  When it came down to it I wasn’t attracted to his physical reality, just his web (and phone) presence that comforted me and let me advance in a pivotal time in my sexual development.  We would have 3 hour phone conversations late at night, at a time when 3 hour calls between states cost something.  There were indications of a boyfriend/sexual relationship that occasionally surfaced, but mainly there was a lot of flirting.  And the most important part (at least for me) was having a peer who was also gay to have an outlet with.

In my freshman year in HS there was only one out gay who was a senior.  He was a stereotypical flaming theatre queen who was so ostracized that he had no choice in being out.  There was no room for a “normal” kid to be out.  I just pined away on AOL, mIRC and a few other haunts, had some embarrassing incidents like when I gave a man (who was posing as teenager) my home phone number, and my mom picked up when he called during the day.

Finally, I met someone in my town, my age, in the summer after my junior year.  This may have been on Gay.com.  I met up with B. at a record store where we bonded over David Bowie records. I was barely sexually attracted to him (Note to self: I already see a pattern here), but he was literally the only guy in town I knew of, so we had to experiment.  My first sexual contact with another human was his mouth on my dick in his bedroom.  His family was relatively poor.  He shared a small attic bedroom with his brother, so it was definitely risky.  He also initiated kissing, which I remember being totally baffled by the first time. I’m not sure if I had any pleasure. The main thing I remember is his stubble, which was surprisingly thick for a 16-17yo, rubbing on (and almost scraping up) my lips.

I think this would best be done in a few parts.

Benefits to insomnia

I was having a cigarette on the roof of my building, and saw a bright body low in the sky.  I pulled out my NightSky app and saw that it was Venus.  Then I scanned the rest of the horizon and saw Mars, higher in the sky but no less brilliant… and red(ish)!

Why do I call myself a gay dick and asshole?

I don’t mean the body parts.  I mean that in the game of hearts, and dicks and assholes that is contemporary urban gay life, I am considered a dick.  Why?  Because I don’t sleep with enough people.  Or rather, because I don’t sleep with my friends.  Or rather, because I don’t sleep with nice guys who want to have sex with me, and then they become just friends.  Discouraged friends. Then those friends get to know each other, and they all say, “so many guys are into you, why don’t you date anyone?”  Or at the very least, “why don’t you hookup with them?”  I don’t have a good answer.

There are a lot of symptoms.  I get hung up, and nervous, and overthink things.  The physical manifestation is that I often can’t get it up.  Now later, when I’m jerking off, I’m nice and rock hard. But my psychology for some reason is not allowing me to “be in the moment” when I’m even the slightest bit uncomfortable with the situation.  This problem has waxed and waned (lulz) throughout my life, but it has always been a constant fear.

Also, I apparently have a fear of people who are on my level.  Whether we’re talking about age, intelligence, “place in life,” I tend to feel more “safe” with those who are younger, simpler, and what others often perceive as “below me.”  These are also the people I am more virile with sexually.

What makes it all the more galling to others, and myself, is that I have no trouble whatsoever attracting guys, from college aged to retired, poor to rich, black to white.  I am objectively handsome in a dark mediterranean and “otter” way.  I am getting gay-old (early 30’s) but I pass for 25 and nearly all ages seem comfortable approaching me.  I’m not being arrogant, this is simply a reality that nearly every homo who comes across me attests to.  And this blog is not about appearances and sugar coating, it’s about truth.  Otherwise I won’t be getting anything out of it.  In my life I am blunt and cut to the point, this will apply even more so in the (hopefully) anonymous forum here.

Bottom line, I’m posting here because there are some troubling thoughts and situations I need to talk about that I can’t confide in even my closest friends and family with.  They are too close to the source.  In the past few months I’ve had an urge for an anonymous outlet.  Everyone on my Facebook knows me (of course), Twitter is too brief, Tumblr is too image-based.  So, here I am… old-fashioned blogging.  Here goes.